Icepaw shivered as she stepped outside the den. Firestar had let her stay with Jayfeather, and Icepaw smiled as she saw him come out after her. Then she raced over to Firestar. He said, " Go on patrol with Lionblaze, Dovepaw, and Destinywind. " She nodded, trying to mask her fear. Lionblaze stood waiting for her, and ran out as soon as she joined them. Dovepaw saw the wild fear in her eyes, however. She knew then her mother would strike during this patrol.
TO BE CONTINUED
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hey, icestorm. its dawnstar/ dawnblaz/ morningpaw/ morningsong... and no offense, your story is quite confusing. first you make no clear beginning, no allegiances or prologue! ur chapters cn be read in about 15 seconds.... and also, u never make it clear that destinywind is your mother, and dawnkit is your sister and ur in thunderclan. and if a cat purposely killed a KIT THATS IN THE SAME CLAN AS THEM, WHAT DO YOU THINK FIRESTAR WOULD DO? u think hed just say "oh, thats fine. killing kits in your own clan is quite acceptable!" guess what? HE WOULDNT!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI know I know but he HAS NO CLUE my mother is even THERE because she's a rogue who was once a member of ShadowClan in the beginning.... BECAUSE she's an ***hole's daughter. Tigerstar's. So she asks to join. C my point?
ReplyDelete*shivers* Sorry. I'm Skystar/Skyheart/Skypaw of BlogClan. Just call me Skyheart and don't click my name because it'll take you to Kate Cary's site.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, your story is fantastic, but it's a little grim for me. Why would her mother try to kill her? And is Destinywind's mother Sasha? The whole of my LeafClan is based upon Firestar's daughter, Cleverheart's daughter Goldensky/Goldenstar. I changed her grandfather later. Now Goldenstar is Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight's granddaughter.
~Skyheart
Still Skyheart here. You can find some of the Tales of LeafClan, I think I'll write the prologue to I, Skyheart. I also read the little about me thingy of yours. Yes! Another Twilight hater! And I wrote a song about Feathertail once.
ReplyDeleteCool. I have a song for Squirrel x Bramble's big... breakup
ReplyDeleteIcestorm your story is great and it is very dramatic but when you write someone talking you enter like this,
ReplyDelete"Run get out now!" Yowled Forestblaze to her son Cougarflight.
"No I'll distrct him while you get the others out of here!" he growled standing his ground as footsteps appraoched them.
"Fallen trees will tear you to pieces, you don't stand a chance!"
Also you have to explain to your readers who their mother is, I couldn't tell who she was. Was she Destinywind? Also you have to put more detail in it like this.
Forestblazes heart thudded in her chest as she raced through the trees leading her kits out of the glooming Dark forest before Fallen trees killed them all. She looked back at her son as he stood motionless and fearless at the sound of Fallen trees approaching.
You also need to explain it better, through the whole thing i was confused. What happened to chapter 4? why is Firestar sending Icepaw on a patrol with a murderer? Does Firestar even know her mother is a murderer?
You have a making of a great writer but you need to learn you HOW to write. you ovbiviously CAN write but you need to learn HOW to write. I know it seems strange for me to tell you how to write but I have been writing a story about Forestblaze for a whole year.
Icestorm!!! *Forestblaze growled at the white she-cat* How dare you!!! Your the daughter of Tigerstar!!! You are the daughter of a strong, brave, intellegent, and hansome cat!!! You should be proud to be the daughter of Tigerstar.
ReplyDelete*She lashed out her paw, her eyes blazing with fury* I'M tigerstar's daughter as well!!! I respect my father for his will power, bravery, and strength not because of his blood-thirstyness. Your a stupid beetle-brain bedger-face. He is a RESPECTIBLE cat not a ***hole!!! Speak badly of him or Hawkfrost and i'll blind you and leave in the forest for the crows *She
turned around her tail lashing behind her and stalked into the shadows of the Highrock. She glared at her with her head slouched with her tail rapped around her paws* 'I'll defend you,
Hawkfrost and Tigerstar,' she thought 'until my last breath'
This is very confusing. I don't understand at all what's happening....sorry.
ReplyDeleteI know. I do not get it. The chapters are very short, and the story is confusing.
ReplyDeleteits soooooo short. no offence but they are horrible
ReplyDeleteOK you know what I WILL DELETE THIS YOU PPL HATE ME ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOKAY YA! DELETE THIS SUCKY BLOG!
ReplyDelete